Posted on 4 Comments

An Author’s Two Encounters with Young Readers

I have been blessed in the last two weeks to spend a lot of time with two groups of wonderful teens, speaking to them as a guest author. These were both very different and wonderful experiences; any time I get to work as an author with young people, that is a treasured day.

Here are a few photos and stories from recent events in Atlanta, GA and Niwot, CO:

ATLANTA

In Alpharetta, Georgia — a beautiful town outside Atlanta (very green!) and near the filming of AMC’s The Walking Dead, there is an academy for troubled youth. The owner, Rommys Beltran, and her sister Iris are fans of my work and invited me out to speak to the teens. With the help of my Patreon members, I sent a box of copies of What Our Eyes Have Witnessed to the school over the winter, and my publisher 47North generously matched the gift with a box of their own. Iris had shared with me (anonymously, without names attached) some stories of the teens that near broke my heart. These are good teens trying to turn their lives around after being in some bad places. Some have been involved in drugs; one young girl was prostituted by her brother. Heart-wrenching stories. When I visited, I could see in their faces — some of these kids don’t believe they have the right to have dreams.

So I sent them What Our Eyes Have Witnessed, which is about people in intense poverty in the ancient world’s most awful ghetto — the Subura in Rome — who choose to live lives of unstoppable hope. It is a powerful story and I chose it carefully; the main characters include an apostle running a soup kitchen, a rescued sex slave, and a rich kid who is overwhelmed by the poverty he sees and who tries to get involved. The story is also full of zombies. The teens of the AYA (Advancing Youth’s Academy) love zombie stories. Atlanta, GA is zombie fandom central: the home of The Walking Dead and the home, too, of a paintball battlefield whose owners hire actors to play the part of zombies out to get the paintgun-wielding patrons.

It is hard not to love Georgia!

11182812_10155463039725654_643335306_o

I started by reading a scene where Father Polycarp faces the dead; the teens were riveted. I’m told that I’m a very performative reader; I’m very, very into it. Iris and Rommys, for their part, told me how good it was to see their kids engaged and into something.

Afterward, the teens and I talked for quite a while. We talked about zombies, about being an author, about what it’s like growing up, about being brave and having dreams. I met wonderful kids here in Atlanta — young people like Camilo, who wants to be a writer, and Jocelyn and Isaiah and Jarred and Maily—good kids, who just need someone to believe in them.

11136662_10205788888656903_5511264036127268437_n

One of the teens asked me, “Are you from Atlanta?”

“No.” I explained that I live in Colorado.

“Are you here just to talk to us?” He looked baffled.

“Yes,” I said. “I came out here just to talk with you. That is the one reason I’m in Atlanta.”

The message: I value you. I believe in you.

That, I hope, is a powerful message.

11104333_10155463041825654_1522829417_n

When I signed books for them, the school’s owner told me that many of these teens don’t have much of anything that is theirs. To have this book by an author they’ve met is meaningful.

11125484_10155463372710654_19017031_n11148969_10155463395735654_699673657_n

Camilo saw my email address in the book. He asked if he could email me. “You can,” I said.

I hope he will.

And this morning, I heard that one of the teens had told Iris that What Our Eyes Have Witnessed was the first book he had ever read through.

I told the school’s owner, Rommys Beltran, and her sister Iris, that this visit to AYA that they were thanking me for was a gift they had made to me. To see an entire room of teens who were so into one of my stories, who had been moved and puzzled and then motivated by it, to know that for a few of them at least, the story had made a difference, to see their eyes light up in considering new possibilities, that is a powerful gift. When I explained how much I love reading to people, and how I read to my wife each night to distract her from her chronic pain so that she can sleep, one of the young women, her eyes lit up. When I said that you just have to find that one thing you really enjoy and pursue it and don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t, one of the young men grew excited.

That touches my heart. I hope some of these teens will live lives of unstoppable hope. I believe in them.


NIWOT

I spent last weekend in Niwot, Colorado, very near the mountains — a beautiful town. At the Grange, the Grey Havens Group came together for their second Real Myth and Mithril symposium (I attended the first as a guest of honor in 2013). The Grey Havens Group is a nonprofit that is part Tolkien fan club, part community of scholars, and part literacy program for Boulder County, CO. They are wonderful people, and I am greatly fortunate to know them. This year, they brought with them their sister branch, Grey Havens YA. This is a program that brings together teens who love to read, gives them an opportunity to celebrate being nerds and bookish. They cosplay. They share stories. And they participate in “Geek Philosophy,” which has to be seen to be believed. At Real Myth and Mithril, I watched Kelly Cowling, the founder of Grey Havens, use a clip from Bladerunner to spark a wide-ranging epistemological and existential discussion with kids aged 11 to 17, who all participated vigorously in conversation about why human beings fear death. That was a powerful thing to witness. Powerful, too, listening to a panel of teens discuss how meeting a community of fellow nerds changed their lives, and how some of them are doing outreach to kids at their schools who feel isolated and alone.

On a personal level, I was touched to find several of the teens “fangirling” when they realized I was there. One of the young men had read a couple of my books; another wants to be a writer, and I gave him a copy of Write Characters Your Readers Won’t Forget. Talking with these teens who are fully embracing, unashamed, their love of the imagination — all I can say is that I would have given a great deal to be part of such a group when I was a teen. I have such respect for the work Kelly Cowling and Robyn Bosica are doing with these young people, and you can learn more about it here.

I also have great respect for the young people themselves. Judah, “Jayne,” and all the others — they are already doing bold, imaginative, and big things with their lives. You can see some of their art and fiction on the Grey Havens YA blog — stop by and cheer them on!

11145203_375967349260881_6208012432921609874_o       Litore_Panel3

Litore1

I also had the opportunity to reunite with a number of friends. In the photos above, you see me and fellow author TL Morganfield sharing deep thoughts about worldbuilding and the project of revisiting ancient myths. In the photo below, you see me and several science fiction mavens discussing representations of religion in science fiction, from Earthseed to the Fremen, in a very fun panel whimsically titled “Do You Have a Moment to Hear about the Kwisatz Haderach?”

Litore_Panel4

It was a beautiful weekend, full of good conversation and good art and good music (much of it by the Grey Havens MInstrels themselves … besides being many, many other things, Grey Havens has its own band), and I signed many books.

But what I’ll remember most is the delight in the eyes of the young people, and the exuberant joy of sharing things they love with others who suspend judgment and enjoy their enjoyment. That is an incredibly healthy thing, and I am glad to have witnessed it. Young people give my brooding heart hope for the future!


SPEAKING OF HOPE..
.

Be on the lookout. One of the topics I spoke with young people about in both Atlanta and Niwot — living lives of unstoppable hope — is coming to a book near you, later this month: Update: This book is now available at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00X4UYW2A


Lives_Hope(Cover art: Sarah Menzel. Cover designer: Roberto Calas.)

Lives of Unstoppable Hope will share the story of my daughter Inara’s battle to survive, and it will also involve a deep-sea swim through the beatitudes from the Sermon on the Mount, and through the story behind the stories I write. I think you will like it very much.

If you believe in my work and wish to support it, join me at Patreon, and help me fund not only more amazing stories but also more amazing encounters with teens. Grey Havens YA is thriving and celebratory; the teens I met in Atlanta are struggling but I realized, seeing their faces, that they just need someone to believe in them — as Polycarp believed in Regina in What Our Eyes Have Witnessed. Regina, a rescued sex slave, becomes the deaconness of an underground church in ancient Rome, the weaver together of many lives. Despite a past of suffering and misery, Regina lives a life of unstoppable hope in that book. I believe these teens can, too. They just need someone to tell them that no matter what happened yesterday or what their lives have been like, they’re allowed to live a life of hope, allowed to dream, and read, and believe that tomorrow will be different.

Meeting them has touched me, and I will not forget them.

Stant Litore

Litore2
A happy author.

P.S. As I write this blog, I am also full-bellied and very sleepy. My hosts in Atlanta, Debrra and Bryan Randolph, have taken generous care of me here, and have taught me how in the South, “feeding you means love.” I am definitely a happy author. Now posting this and awaiting my flight home with a bag full of surprises for my girls.

P.P.S. Even as I was about to hit ‘Publish’ on this blog, I received a message from a fan in California:

So — I work in a lockdown juvenile facility. These kids are voracious readers. I have them all hopped up to read your series as I finish the books!

Wow.

Stories are one of the most powerful tools we have, and I believe they are one of the few things that can empower us to turn a life around. This makes stories especially critical to youth.

My own fiction is not “young adult fiction,” but when I was a young adult, I read whatever “spoke” to me, whether it was “young adult” or not. I first read Dune in fourth grade — hardly “age-appropriate.” But how it lit my imagination on fire!

May you all live lives of unstoppable hope, and may each of you reading this live a powerful story.

Posted on 1 Comment

Big Update about Inara!

Inara_purple
Inara: “Silly grownups. I got this.”

I just got this news from Jessica my wife, who just finished a consult with Inara’s epileptologist (who has really earned our trust).

We have confirmed that Inara is NOT having gelastic seizures, and probably hasn’t had seizures since the bad days in early 2013. Her activity LOOKS like gelastic seizures, but it isn’t.

We were worried because Inara has seemingly random fits of uncontrolled giggling where her whole body collapses and spasms with her giggles (this happens several times a day), and then she blacks out. The epileptologist says she’s not seizing, she is just truly having honest giggles, but that in her delayed development, her laughter consumes her entire body, she loses all control of her body when she laughs, and the blacking out is actually from exhaustion.

Just as an elderly person might lose control of their bladder while laughing hard, Inara loses control of everything.

Inara also has a very low exhaustion threshold compared with you and me – it’s why she can’t eat normally yet: she hasn’t been able to develop the necessary muscle tone for her jaws and after trying to eat for a bit, she’s literally too exhausted to continue or to do anything else. (Inara receives 85% of her nutrition through a G tube.)

So apparently, when something strikes Inara as funny, her laughter consumes her and burns what energy she has and then she either blacks out or just slumps and lies listless for a while until her body recovers. We thought we were looking at post-ictal exhaustion. But no, she just literally laughs herself into exhaustion.

Inara is partially blind; the doctor thinks sometimes she might see a shadow from the corner of her eye or a funny blurry shape and that sets her off. “She’ll find something hilarious that you can’t see in an empty room, and she knows it is the funniest thing in the universe.”

I apparently have a very happy daughter. As we’ve confirmed that we’re not looking at seizure activity, the doctor has okayed dialing Inara’s dosage back a bit and continuing to watch her. But she and her team have consensus that Inara is no longer having seizures.

I am vastly relieved. And, once I can start breathing again, I’ll probably also be very amused that Inara finds things in life so hilarious that sometimes she faints from the sheer humor of it…

I’m so used to hitting the high-adrenaline, get-ready-to-fight button whenever something happens with Inara that can’t be explained and that looks dangerous … but now it looks like my wife and I can actually breathe for a while.

So thankful and relieved and exhausted and happy, maybe *I* might pass out. Thank you all for being here and for supporting me and my family.

It is now very possible that Inara is “out of the woods.”

Stant Litore

You can read more of the story of Inara in Lives of Unstoppable Hope.

Stant Litore is a novelist. He writes about gladiators on tyrannosaurback, Old Testament prophets battling the hungry dead, geneticists growing biological starships, time-traveling hijabi bisexual defenders of humanity from the future. Explore his fiction here. And here is one of his toolkits for writers, and here’s another book where he nerds out about ancient languages and biblical (mis)translation. Enjoy!

Posted on Leave a comment

Why I Admire My Wife So Fiercely

My wife struggles with fibromyalgia. That means chronic pain, and it is no joke. Imagine your skin feeling as though it is burning, everywhere, roughly ninety percent of the time. Some days, the touch of a hand feels like a touch from a torch. Some days, she wakes in crippling pain and goes to bed in crippling pain, and I read to her to lull her to sleep. That is what my wife deals with. Yet she is on her feet, managing Inara’s multiple therapies, parenting River, cleaning house, creating stunning photography, and designing artwork and campaigns around epilepsy awareness or running fundraisers to support local families who are losing their children to epilepsy-related illnesses. That is my wife. I admire her so fiercely.

Jessica, my dear one, I love you.

Stant Litore

Jessica2

Jessica Jessica_and_Inara

Posted on Leave a comment

Dragon at the Hospital: First Evening

Wonderful friends from our church family (and local Patreon members) visited Inara and me at the hospital today, bringing meals, and most importantly, hours of friendship. Also the gift of a spa package for my wife. I am very grateful. They made the day bright. In this photo, my dear friend Jan Buntrock is sharing a moment with Inara.

Jan

Rarely has a writer (or father) been so blessed with community. Not since the earliest days of Inara’s seizures have I had to feel alone. That is something that matters to me more than treasure or even a library full of books.

Stant

You can read more of the story of Inara in Lives of Unstoppable Hope.

Stant Litore is a novelist. He writes about gladiators on tyrannosaurback, Old Testament prophets battling the hungry dead, geneticists growing biological starships, time-traveling hijabi bisexual defenders of humanity from the future. Explore his fiction here. And here is one of his toolkits for writers, and here’s another book where he nerds out about ancient languages and biblical (mis)translation. Enjoy!

Posted on 1 Comment

Dragon at the Hospital, Day One

My little dragon, Inara, started her second EMU (Epilepsy Monitoring Unit) at the hospital today.

hosp

hosp6

River helped drive Inara’s wheelchair into the hospital and then kissed her little sister goodbye. (Inara looks a little alarmed at the goodbye kiss.)
hosp1

Getting all wired… The initial EEG hookup. Jessica, my lovely wife, turned on heavy metal music on her smartphone for Inara, because there is nothing in the universe Inara finds as relaxing as Disturbed’s “Down with the Sickness.” I find classical piano relaxing, personally, but my three-year-old daughter loves metal, and metal made the experience of attaching electrodes to her head soothing to her…

hosp2

During the second hour of the process, Inara’s music therapist visited. Inara was remarkably calm and patient throughout the process, which takes nearly two hours. The music helped.

hosp3

Inara had two seizures while we were first wiring her. She is now exhausted, but very brave.

hosp4

On her music therapist’s tablet, Inara is making colors and music. With her toes.

hosp5

Hooray for the age of apps!

hosp8

My beautiful Jessica is saying goodbye for the day to Inara. Jessica suffers from fibromyalgia ( chronic nerve pain … essentially, imagine your skin feeling scorched everywhere on your body, most of the time), and we have our bed at home especially softened for her. So when Inara has a stay in the hospital, Jessica goes home at night with Inara’s older sister River, and I man the fort here at the hospital, read Inara stories (maybe The Silmarillion or The Lord of the Rings, or my own fiction, or even The Iliad, whatever I have at hand: the bloodier the story, the more Inara appears to love it), hit the red button if she has a seizure, and mostly celebrate how brave and feisty my youngest daughter is.

hosp7

See what I mean? She-Hulk is mad and she’s not going to take it anymore. The epilepsy safety pads are coming down! There she is, wrenching at them.

My Inara may not have it easy, but she is strong.

I see Inara is now trying to seize and gnaw on a cord, despite sitting in a rather cage-like hospital bed. Have to run! More updates later…

Stant Litore

You can read more of the story of Inara in Lives of Unstoppable Hope.

Stant Litore is a novelist. He writes about gladiators on tyrannosaurback, Old Testament prophets battling the hungry dead, geneticists growing biological starships, time-traveling hijabi bisexual defenders of humanity from the future. Explore his fiction here. And here is one of his toolkits for writers, and here’s another book where he nerds out about ancient languages and biblical (mis)translation. Enjoy!

Posted on 1 Comment

For Those Needing a Bit of Hope and Beauty

For those needing a bit of hope and beauty tonight, here are a collection of quotes from The Zombie Bible — emotional and human in content, sometimes religious in content, sometimes wrestling with grief or hope or love: I am reposting this; it is originally from January 2014.

I wrote:

This year, I believe:

…that of the things we seek after in life and of all the things we strive to find or build or create, that which is most to be desired is peace:

Peace was more than stillness. More than sleep. More than numbness, more than the absence of conflict.

Peace was consolation and wholeness. Peace was two men breaking bread together, forgiving an old quarrel. Peace was a mother holding her infant up to its father for the first time, or a mother opening her eyes to greet her child after long illness. Peace was two lovers in each other’s arms after a long, good night. Peace was an open door and a wall torn down. Peace was a cephas, a rock lashed by the waves yet unmoved. A rock people could stand on. – No Lasting Burial

…that peace is hard to find; the world is big and we are small:

Barak was shaking. “The land has become strange to me,” he whispered, gazing at that lifeless face frozen in its moment of famished need. “I wanted only evenings in my house and Hadassah in my bed, her breasts in my hands. I wanted only my vineyard, only the ripe grapes, the coolness of them beneath my feet, the taste of wine. The long battle with soil and worm is enough for any man of Naphtali. God, you give and you take away, and we are only ashes. We are only ashes.” – Strangers in the Land

…that there is no real explanation of or excuse for suffering; it is not part of a Plan, capital-P; the horrors we endure shake us and shake our world. I do not mean that suffering is pointless, only that it is not planned, it is not reducible to any proverb or formula; yet I do believe that suffering is only the dark chapter, not the end; though suffering cannot be excused or deleted, great beauty can come after it:

“Our father did not promise a life without pain,” Yeshua murmured. “Not without pain. Only that he would weep with us. Only that his heart would break. Only that he would take each moment of suffering, each death, each, and hold it in his hands, and . . . and bring from it something, something even more beautiful than what was lost. A forest of cedar grows from a field of ash, and each seed, every seed must fall to the earth, fall and fall and crack open and die before it can become a barley plant.” – No Lasting Burial

…that God is neither planning the suffering of the world nor planning its ceasing without our involvement. Rather, God is grieving with us. What force God might have in the world is the force of a still, small voice, soft as weeping in the night, that might stir us from sleep and call on us to make the world more like one God would enjoy living in:

Once he came awake with a start, thinking he’d heard weeping. He bolted upright and gazed into the dark, but the sound faded from hearing as swiftly as any dream sound might. Miriam stirred beside him. “What is it, husband?” Her voice heavy with sleep.

Yirmiyahu was breathing hard, the sheets sweaty beneath him. He didn’t look at her; he kept gazing in the direction from which the sound had come, if there had actually been a sound. His ears strained to hear it. With a dryness in his throat, he realized he was staring in the direction of the Temple. – Death Has Come Up into Our Windows

…that what really matters is how we respond to that weeping, to the tears we see on another’s face:

“When you see another’s face—the face of a child, or another woman, or the face of the goddess, or the face of someone hungry or hurt—their eyes, they look back. They look at you. They ask your love, they ask you to hear their crying and know that you and they are both alive, and some day you may be hurt, you may be hungry. It may be your child carried dying in your arms.” Hurriya choked a moment, then went on. “When I look at you, you look back. Only the dead don’t look back.”

Devora thought about that as she bent to tighten Shomar’s girth straps.

“You think the Law is a pact with your God, a pact with others of your People. But it’s not just a pact.”

Devora just listened, thinking hard.

“It’s an answer,” Hurriya said intensely. “You have rules for everything. But it’s not the rules that matter. It’s that you want to make them. You want to answer the suffering you see in another woman’s face. You want to give her safety, or justice, or comfort. That’s what matters. That’s why you have your Law, why you love it. But when you sit in decision at your olive tree, or on this horse looking at the burning town, you have to find the right answer to the suffering you see. Your fathers in the desert found the Law, found that answer. So it guides you, like I guided you into these hills. But you still have to find the right answer to each face you see.” – Strangers in the Land

…that we are our best selves when we love:

After a while she whispered, “There is a windstorm in my heart.”

Lappidoth put his arm about her, held her tightly to him. With his other hand, he took a small stone and set it beside the bread. “This is my wife’s heart,” he rumbled. Then covered the stone with his cupped hand. “This is my love for my wife, covering her heart. That the winds may pass over without tearing through her.”

She smiled despite the tightness in her breast. “I love you,” she whispered. – Strangers in the Land

…that we are our worst selves when we judge:

“I will not see our town distracted by small gods!” Zebadyah’s voice rose, thick with contempt. “Gods you can hold in your hand, rather than a God who can’t be held, who will not come at our call, for we come at his. That!”—he threw his hand out toward the stranger and the wooden horse he held—“That is an evil, a distraction you shape with your hand. A crack in the wall, while the dead press against the stones. That is not safe, it is not useful!”

Yeshua turned on the priest, his eyes hot, the wooden horse clutched in his hand, his voice loud and quick. “The father who made you may not find you useful—or you—or you—” He took them all in with a sweep of his hand. “Of what use are any of you to the Holy One who shaped the earth and filled the seas? But I have been in the desert and I . . . I believe this: there has never been a day when the father has not found you beautiful.”

Yeshua turned the horse over a few times in his hand, peering down at it. His face was troubled. “I think it is possible,” he murmured, “to keep every letter of the written Law yet fail to live a lawful life. And maybe it is possible to yearn, even to yearn for the father’s heart and yet . . . yet miss him entirely.” – No Lasting Burial

…that love is about vulnerability, and it is our willingness to be vulnerable together that makes us beautiful:

They considered each other. Then she did something he did not expect. She let the blanket slip from her shoulders, let it settle to her feet, gently as feathers. For a moment, she held her arms across her breasts, then let them fall to her sides. She lifted her chin, though her face burned. She let him see her, all of her, her beauty and her bruises. This gift of herself. Her father might strip her or beat her, but he could not take this from her: her right to open her heart and her body to one whose heart called to hers. Koach held his breath. All his life, he would remember this moment. His first sight of her. The memory would be holy to him. As though her rooftop were the place where God touched the world and created beauty.

His loins stirred for her, yet his face was wet.

Whether he wept for her, for himself, or for them both, he couldn’t have said. His hand trembled as he lifted his fingers to the clasp of his own tunic. He kept himself fully clothed at most times, even in his mother’s house; he couldn’t bear the way others looked at him when his deformity was visible. But he could not hide it now, could not conceal it when this young woman had unclothed all of her bruises, risked everything to be seen by one other. He kept his movements slow, his heart loud with his fear. It took some work, with only his one hand and not his mother’s to aid him. But at last his clothes were in a heap beside him, and he stood naked on the roof, the air cool on his skin. – No Lasting Burial

…that there is more inside each person in our lives than we have ever imagined, entire rooms we have never seen:

Her eyes opened to him, and he gazed inside the rooms of her heart. He saw rooms that were locked and chained; he could almost hear the screams behind those shut doors. He saw other rooms that were vast and wide as oceans; in one, her love and faith in him, a faith so profound and unshakable that it shook him to see it. – What Our Eyes Have Witnessed

…that it is our task to make the world livable, and not only for ourselves but for all these beautiful, many-roomed lives that surround us; the burden of action is on us, on each of us; we are the machina in the deus ex machina:

To the Greeks and the Romans both, the world itself was a stage on which the theater of history was played out for the entertainment and delight of the gods. Men and women quarreled and fought and died on that stage, until the god descended in a machine to intervene at the end of the drama. But as a father of the gathering, Polycarp saw the stage differently. On this stage, men and women who knew God could play the active part of the device that would carry into the theater the deus ex machina, the god in the machine. Their role was that of God’s machine, God’s body. They were his hands and his feet, stepping in not just at the end but at the very moment in the drama in which they found themselves placed. Through the gathering, God might intervene early to transform the grisly sets of the Subura and the cold, remote sets of the Palatine into new places, and to change the players’ costumed garb to represent miraculous transformations within their characters. – What Our Eyes Have Witnessed

…that uncertainty does not excuse us from action:

“If God is silent,” she said, “I will act as though he is not. When God sends no visions, when we don’t know if he is with us or if we are left to die in the ash among the corpses, we must still act as though his hand does cover us. Our responsibilities are unchanged. Nothing else will suffice.” – Strangers in the Land

…that in our yearning for certainty, for security, for a stable and fixed world under our feet, we have fallen in love with false gods who promise the same but who will only use us:

Gazing at the smoke on the hill’s summit, Yirmiyahu almost thought he could hear, faint in the day’s heat, the calling of those hungry gods and goddesses whom his People had not brought with them out of the desert long ago but had found waiting for them in this land. Deities who spread their arms wide and moaned: Come to me, I will give you wealth or security or love, or what you desire, only feed me, feed me. I am so hungry; don’t you want to feed me?

Sometimes, as Yirmiyahu looked up at that smoke, the cries of those other gods, who had established no abiding Covenant with the People, rose from a faint moan on the hill to a shriek of urgent, demanding need; at those times he would look away from the summit, shivering even in the heat of day as the merchants at the gate chattered and argued around him. And all the while, Yirmiyahu’s God murmured from behind the veil in her Temple, I am here. If you want me, you must be faithful to me, and you must nourish my children. You must work hard to provide for them. Then I will let you take me in your arms and I will delight you and nourish you. A divine spouse rather than a divine lover. That is how the navi saw it. – Death Has Come Up into Our Windows

…and also that zombies are really horrifying:

Ahead he saw the door to the weaver’s house, where the Roman mercenaries had herded all of the town’s small children. An oil lamp still burned within, and Shimon had a brief glimpse of adult shapes bent over small, still bodies, large hands pulling entrails and red organs from their bellies. One of the feasting corpses glanced up and its eyes shone like cat’s eyes in the light of the lamp. – No Lasting Burial

…and that there can be only one answer to zombies, to the devouring dead or to the living that devour us also, one answer to the injustice and terror in the world; that the ferocious words that we will hold defiantly against the wrongs we see and the absolute cold of entropy are We hope and We will act and We will never, ever give in:

We must live lives of unstoppable hope. – What Our Eyes Have Witnessed

Nothing is broken that cannot be remade, nothing is ill that cannot be healed, nothing captive that cannot be freed. – What Our Eyes Have Witnessed

Now my daughter is improving, and we are on the other side of that time together. Yet those nights by her bed are recent in my heart, and they hurt. I don’t know what this past year has meant, only that the love I now hold for those I call my own is fiercer than anything I have ever felt. I have learned that hope, which I had thought small and delicate like a moth in the night, can be hard as steel, a blade with which you cut your way through a press of moaning and hungry foes. – No Lasting Burial

Welcome, 2015. I hope the year is kind. If it isn’t, I hope we all rise to do battle to make it so. And dear readers, be gentle in your comments; this page is meant not as a creed but as a personal reminiscence that I share with you, and as an introduction to my work; if there is any missionary effort implied, it is only the hope that you will get to know me better, and know better the stories I love, by reading my novels. May they chill your blood with moments of dread, astonish you with moments of beauty, and move your heart with moments of human courage, love, and hope:

BoxSet_1000 (1)

Posted on Leave a comment

The Years the Locusts Hath Eaten

“And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten.”

That’s from my reading in Joel tonight. Going to let that passage roll around in my brain and my heart for a while. It is a powerful hope and a powerful promise. I was raised on a farm (though in a part of the world that lacks enormous swarms of locusts) and I have some sense of just how enormous this bit of poetry actually is. I will just let it sit in my heart for a while.

“Our father did not promise a life without pain,” Yeshua murmured. “Not without pain. Only that he would weep with us. Only that his heart would break. Only that he would take each moment of suffering, each death, each, and hold it in his hands, and . . . and bring from it something, something even more beautiful than what was lost. A forest of cedar grows from a field of ash, and each seed, every seed must fall to the earth, fall and fall and crack open and die before it can become a barley plant.” – No Lasting Burial

Stant Litore

Posted on 3 Comments

Ansible

“My mind has touched the stars, wearing a thousand faces…”

In “Ansible,” 25th century Islamic explorers transfer their minds across space and time to make first contact…and get marooned in alien bodies on alien worlds. Along the way, they encounter the most dangerous predator humanity has ever faced. Now a handful of time and space travelers are all that stand between humanity and the long dark.

Welcome to the Ansible universe! There are three collected volumes of Ansible stories so far, and a fourth book, Ansible: Falling from the Sky, will be released in the final months of 2018. In 2019, all the stories will be collected in an omnibus. Here is the cover art for that forthcoming omnibus, a gorgeous painting of Sahira commissioned from artist Lauren K. Cannon. Sahira is a time-traveling, shapeshifting hijabi defender of humanity from the far future:

Sahira_final

Here is the cover art and links to the three volumes that are already available:

AnsibleBundleCover_medium

AnsibleSeasonTwo_kcover1

RashasLetter_1000

Ansible is available in kindle, paperback, and audiobook.

 

Praise for the Ansible Stories:

“Stant Litore may be SF’s premiere poet of loneliness. With the first stories in the Ansible series, he has pulled off an incredible feat, rendering individual tales that sing the ache of desolation in a register entirely their own while simultaneously building a central premise and an accompanying world that’s utterly original, gorgeously pained, and potentially inexhaustible. Before Ansible 15715, I can’t remember ever having read a story and immediately started reading it again, but after devouring it twice in rapid succession, I then read it aloud to the first person I could find.” – Jason Kirk, author of Reverb and The Other Whites in South Africa

“I’m a thug. I read Stephen King all day. Nothing can scare me. This book, however, kind of freaked me out.” – Keyoka Kinzy, SciFi Bloggers

“Litore’s elegant prose seeps into the soul, stoking our fears of dark labyrinths and the loss of self, of having our direst warnings passed off as madness in a cruel and ignorant world. A chilling and masterful tale.” – Allison M. Dickson, author of Strings

“Stant Litore truly weaves a spellbinding story that leaves the reader feeling vulnerable. It is impossible not to become drawn into the world that Stant created…” – Heather Maloney, examiner.com

“Stant Litore’s writing is so good and yet so hard to describe. He can be both an angel and a devil all in one. He’s an angel for writing such wonderful and thought-provoking stories, and a devil for using those stories to make you want to curl up into a ball and hide.” – Must Read Faster

You can get your copy of Ansible: Season One here.

Thank you for joining me on this voyage!

Stant Litore

Posted on 1 Comment

At the Litore House

Stant Litore's Writing Desk

A good month, friends and readers! This post is a celebration. We just moved into this house:

House1

Unlike the apartment we were living in, this one doesn’t have six flights of stairs to navigate before you walk in the front door. We have approval to modify the interior and add a ramp for the door, as needed; service and assistance animals are welcome. In short, Inara is much safer here. There is a room we are dedicating to her therapies, there is a playroom, there is a study… There are even two fireplaces:

House2

River adores the living room fireplace. She watched it for an hour today and then told me, quite seriously, “Daddy, dragons love fire!”

Yes, River. Yes, they do.

These are gas fireplaces, and I’m embarrassed to say I had to have someone walk me through how to operate them. I grew up with a wood stove, and we had a wood-burning fireplace in our apartment, and this is the first time I have encountered that marvel of modern engineering with which most of you are probably well familiar — the gas fireplace — and like a medieval monk confronted with an automobile, I am still a bit mystified. Though quite pleased.

I am thankful for a recent performance bonus at work and for the support of my patrons on Patreon who have made this move possible. I didn’t think it would be. Yet here we are! I am greatly blessed.

River has a backyard:

River2

A little light snow was sprinkling down this afternoon, and River looked at me from her trampoline, pointed to her beach ball and volleyball, and shouted across the neighborhood: “Daddy, it’s snowing! It’s snowing on my balls! My balls are cold!”

Oh, dear.

Oh, my dear River…

She shouted it very loudly.

River3

She loves the new house. She calls it her Green House. Here she is capturing tiny snowflakes:

River4

By the way, my wife tells me that River announced to her Friday afternoon, “Daddy’s at work! Daddy’s hunting zombies!”

To my own surprise, that is what my daughter believes I do at work during the day. I think I can live with that…

Below: here’s a shot of our half-unpacked dining room and kitchen. Can you spot two happy daughters in it?

House1

And, achievement unlocked! At long last, I have a study. A library. A writing room.

House4

What can you tell about me as a writer from this shot? I shudder to think. Paper notes strewn everywhere. A confusion of formats and genres and a tiny TARDIS lurching against one end of the desk. Don’t worry, though; it’s bigger on the inside. Truly.

Inara1

Our dear friends — and patrons — Jan and Jim Buntrock, who have been there for my family time and again, gave my little Inara this blue dragon. She has been gnawing on it happily ever since.

Inara2

And my lovely Jessica — who recently received her CNA certification — had some nursing equipment strewn about the coffee table today. Her briefly unattended work phone and stethoscope (“River, what’s this?” I asked, holding up the stethoscope; she looked at it carefully and pronounced, “That’s Mommy doctor helpers, it might be a stethoscope!”) provided ample motivation today for Inara to practice her standing:

Inara3 Inara4 Inara5

Tell me that isn’t the face of a young girl plotting world dominion!Inara6

Jessica gave that photo a “vintage” look, below:

Inara_and_dragon

Inara7

Here is Inara collapsing into giggles (above)…

We are worried about Inara’s increased seizure activity, but her growth and learning lately are wonderful! I have scheduled an EMU (Epilepsy Monitoring Unit), a weeklong stay in the hospital, for her in March, to monitor her seizures. I am anxious to adjust treatment where needed and ensure that her seizures don’t spiral out of control again. This healthy growth and learning and joy in her eyes, I don’t want anything to mess with that.

If you’re new to my blog, you can read Inara’s story here.

But her learning! She is so smart. Our little dragon. Standing, trying to walk, making such a range of noises. I really believe she will talk a little some day. At first, her neurologist didn’t believe she would ever stand. But she is. She is standing.

She is my daughter.

Our daughter. A lot of that strength (and stubbornness, too) she gets from her mother. I used to tell Jessica — rightly — that if I had searched the world over for a woman as beautiful and compassionate as she, I would have still chosen her. As it happens, I could have searched the world for a better mother and never have found one of those, either. Jessica is so good with Inara. She has been Inara’s champion from the start, and believes in her. When people see my wife and youngest at the grocery store and express their pity–“It must be so hard for you”–Jessica just looks at them with confusion. How could anyone look at her daughter and not see a beautiful, thriving, child? “My daughter is not broken,” she tells people.

I am blessed in my wife and daughters, in my friends, in my patrons, in my faith community, in my colleagues at work, and now in my house, too. And I would write much more tonight on this blog, except that it is time to go write. Stories are in wild stampede through my head tonight, and if I don’t get them out on paper, they will trample me! If you’re interested, you can read my stories here.

Everyone who has helped us get to where we are today — whether with encouragement, or through patronage, or by buying and reading my books, or by laughing with little Inara and River — thank you! I owe you more than I can tell.

Now to write!

Stant Litore

Posted on 1 Comment

The North Pole Visits a Young Disabled Girl and her Family

Thanks to the great kindness of my friends Katy, Bill, and Dyhrddrdh Colby, my children received an early visit from the North Pole last night. River heard the bells coming up the stairs, and her eyes grew very wide; little Inara didn’t know what to make of it all (she was having trouble seeing last night), but she smiled a lot.

Father Christmas came in with laughter and mirth, and Mrs. Clause told my daughters stories of the workshops at the North Pole, of the difficulties of finding often-moving military families to make sure children receive their gifts (and the ingenuity of the polar elves in finding ways to make sure Santa reaches service children … hint: Elf on the Shelf may be coming with North Pole GPS included, to guide the sleigh in), and of congested air traffic above Chicago.

Santa_2

River was delighted at Father Christmas’ pocket watch, as large as a bowl, which allows Father Christmas to set time back so that he can reach all the children before Christmas morning.

Santa_1

Inara was quite sleepy — and was having a low-vision day — but she cuddled into Father Christmas’s coat, which felt to her like the best thing in the winter, and I think her smile may have warmed the hearts of the Clauses and their Chief Elf, too.

After a frantic and busy month, there was much joy in our household last night. I am thankful for great friends.

Father Christmas even brought us s’mores and cocoa, a gift for two stressed but blessed parents.

Bless you all. You made a beautiful young girl very happy, and her joyous sister and her weary but delighted parents very happy, too. Thank you for bringing Christmas to our home.

May this season be, for all of you, a time of peace and joy, of celebrating a holy birth and all things made new, new as a winter night made wondrous by a fall of snow and a chiming of bells high in the air.

Stant Litore

Stant Litore is a novelist. He writes about gladiators on tyrannosaurback, Old Testament prophets battling the hungry dead, geneticists growing biological starships, time-traveling hijabi bisexual defenders of humanity from the future. Explore his fiction here. And here is one of his toolkits for writers, and here’s another book where he nerds out about ancient languages and biblical (mis)translation. Enjoy!

Posted on 7 Comments

Why Christians Shouldn’t Ignore Derrida

Hello, friends. If this post interests you, please consider getting a copy of the book–Lives of Unforgetting (What We Lose In Translation When We Read the Bible, and a Way of Reading the Bible as a Call to Adventure). This puts food on my family’s table, and it makes me very happy to know the book is being read and used. Thank you for enjoying my posts!

Banner

Now on to the post…

—————————————————-

crossMy fellow Christians, for the most part, tend to ignore the ideas of Jacques Derrida, but I am going to propose to you that deconstruction is a tool of considerable importance in devotional reading and biblical study. I don’t mean that it is the only useful tool, and I’m not wise enough to argue whether it is the most useful of all tools; I think we would benefit enormously, too, if we did more group reading in the form of lectio divina to learn simply to sit in the presence of God, we who are so trained now to instead run and spin in circles in the presence of Facebook. And I think Christians would benefit — and have begun to benefit — from looking into the Jewish rabbinical tradition and midrash reading. But deconstruction is also extremely useful to both religious and secular readers, and in America, deconstruction has been widely misunderstood and therefore dismissed.

I ask you to bear with me and hear me out before reaching judgment. This post has a lot to say, so it is going to be long. If you don’t have much time, I hope you’ll read what you can and bookmark it. I promise it will be fascinating and worth it.

To keep this post intriguing and illuminating, I am going to focus on just two ideas — the fallibility of human language and Derrida’s idea of a remainder. (For those who are well-acquainted with Derrida, this really is only going to touch on a tiny piece of the questions he proposed; it’s a first step. Otherwise this post would be as long as a book, or likely longer still. This post offers a tentative first date with Jacques, not a marriage.) Then I’m going to offer an interpretive reading of Genesis 1 for religious readers that, if you haven’t encountered these ideas before, may open new doors in your mind or heart (we’ll see).

Let’s go on an adventure.

Fallen Language and the Remainder

Derrida suggests that all language is fluid, indeterminate, and fallible. This is an idea that has since become ingrained in the humanities and the social sciences, but has been met with derision by the unlikely duo of analytical philosophers and religious readers, especially in America. In America, we have a tendency to assume that (a) after a bit of mental work you can identify, beyond doubt, the complete and final meaning of a written sentence, and (b) that everything can be expressed accurately in “common” language, or language that everyone can understand. Jacques Derrida ruffles our American feathers by suggesting that language is much more fluid and that the task of deriving fixed, absolute meaning from language is a task that can never actually be completed.

But while our feathers may be ruffled, I’d suggest that this is an idea that Christians can actually find a lot of sympathy with. After all, we have our story of the Tower of Babel, with its suggestion that the confusion of languages served the explicit purpose of distancing human beings from God and from building a tower to heaven and becoming like God, comprehending everything. We also have the theological hypothesis that everything in the universe is fallen, as humanity is, and subject to decay. Why should language itself be any different?

We know things get lost in translation from one language to another: the Greek agape suggests concepts that aren’t conveyed by the English word love and certainly aren’t conveyed by the Latin or French equivalents.

We also know that commonly assigned meanings to a word shift over time, sometimes rapidly; “condescend,” for example, used to be one of the most beautiful words in our language. It was often interpreted as “to step down with” someone into their moment of vulnerability, to lift them up on their feet and climb out of that moment together. But because of the way Victorian charities “condescended” to the poor, that word began to suggest very different (and far more negative) meanings to us. The meaning of words doesn’t stay fixed.

Even at the exact same moment in time, the meaning of a word shifts depending on who is speaking it and where and to whom. Forgive me for writing such an incredibly ugly word, but the word “nigger” means something very different depending on whether a black man is saying it to another black man, a black woman is saying it to a black man, a black man is in heated conversation with a white man, or a white man is saying it to a black man. And when I write it in this post, reducing it to an object example, the significance of the word is different, again, from all of the diverse cases I mentioned a moment ago. The meanings that word suggests to the one hearing it shift dramatically, not across time but from one speaker (one interpreter) to the next, from one situation to the next. This flummoxes some white Americans, who simply don’t “get” why the word suggests different meanings when a black man says it than when a white man says it. This empirically evident situation frustrates the commonly-held white American belief that the meanings of words are mostly fixed, easy to understand, and can be depended on reliably. “I said what I said, and I meant what I meant” — that’s a very American sentiment that, to our frequent confusion, doesn’t tend to hold up very well in practice.

We also know that things frequently and regularly get lost in translation in both spoken and written conversations, even between people with the most similar backgrounds, beliefs, and values. How many times have you been misunderstood over email or on social media?

The meaning of words doesn’t stay fixed; it isn’t absolute, out there in some ideal space, something that we can refer back to. The meaning of words, Jacques Derrida cautions us, is something that is constructed in the moment, by the hearer, based on the context, the speaker, the inter-relationships between different words and phrases, the relationships between different ideas, and what the hearer notices or fails to notice.

Derrida would suggest that what’s happening in these cases is that when we interpret communication that is conveyed in words, we are constructing the meaning, the interpretation, in that moment. And constrained as we are by our context, by the influence of other moments in which we’ve encountered similar words and ideas, by our knowledge of the language, by our own values and views, by our opinion and understanding of the writer or speaker, and by many things, when we construct that interpretation we always leave something out of our interpretation. There is something we neglect to consider. Some remainder that is left over after we’ve constructed the meaning of the word, sentence, or chapter we just read. That’s how we get an interpretation — we focus on something and exclude other things.

Reading Humbly

Deconstruction (which has seemed either so scary or so absurd to many Christians) is a way of reading. It can be very playful and also very intelligent, but at its heart, it is a stance of humility toward the written word. It means that a reader approaches a text (biblical or otherwise) and starts with these realizations:

  • The interpretations others have offered for this text have left something out. There is a remainder.
  • If I find what was left out, that finding will deconstruct the established interpretation. It will take that interpretation apart, to one degree or another.
  • If I find what was left out, I might discover so much through this text that I never noticed before. There will be opportunity for a deeper understanding and another interpretation.
  • However, my new interpretation will also be fallible, because I am also leaving something out. Language is fallible, so while I may understand more or differently, my new understanding can also be deconstructed.

This might sound alarming to some Christians, because you could take this to mean, “We will never finally know what this passage ‘means.'” But that’s a pretty arrogant response, one that assumes that to approach God, we need to fully understand and comprehend his word, completely, without mistakes, and one that assumes that it is actually possible for us to do that. Of course, God sets no requirement that we fully comprehend him. And it is the height of absurd pride to think that we can. Admittedly, it’s a very American way of thinking — we don’t like to exist in what the Catholic mystics called “the cloud of unknowing,” we don’t like to approach God (or anything) in the dark, and we really, really like to have definitive answers. When we don’t have them, we get frustrated. (And when we do have an interpretation that seems good to us and someone approaches us and deconstructs that interpretation, it may annoy us enormously, or even appear threatening to us. We simply don’t like having our interpretations deconstructed. We are often either proud of our interpretations or very reliant on them.)

In fact, that’s one reason a lot of American Christians have a reactionary stance toward science and deep skepticism about scientists’ ability to uncover useful and reliable knowledge for us. There is a perception that scientists are constantly “changing their answers,” and this appears to annoy us to no end. But of course they are, because they’re constantly testing what they’ve learned, uncovering new evidence, deconstructing a previous theory or interpretation, and arriving at a deeper understanding of the natural world and how and why it works. That new understanding may also be fallible if there is evidence that it left out — if, in Derrida’s terms, there’s a remainder that didn’t get noticed or considered. Newton’s interpretation of how the universe worked was a pretty deep and effective interpretation…until Einstein suggested that something was left out. The effective scientist (and I’m not talking about media personalities, I’m talking about people running experiments in labs) has a relatively humble perspective; like the poet Goethe, the scientist’s heart starts with Many things I know; yet many things I do not understand — and then goes on to add, But it’s going to be so fun and rewarding to step into the space I don’t understand, ask questions, test what answers I get, and learn more.

In religious reading, we sometimes forget that there is a humility and even a joy in looking deeper, in looking for what was left out, in finding the remainder, in approaching the word with the base assumption that our interpretation is going to be fallible. That doesn’t have to be a scary thing. It can be a position that glorifies God and humbles man.

This is Very Similar to How Jesus Read

In What Would Jesus Deconstruct? the radical theologian John Caputo makes an intriguing observation: Jesus, in the gospels, tends to read the Old Testament deconstructively. In fact, only on rare occasions does Jesus make definitive interpretive statements about the Old Testament (which is striking, because in the tradition of Christian theology, he may indeed be the one person in history who might claim a right to do so).

Instead, Jesus constantly asks questions and tells stories — often stories where the ending is left out (as in the case of the Prodigal Son and the Good Samaritan) and the audience or the reader is left with a riddle or a question for interpretation. Will the older son join the father and the younger son in that forgiveness banquet? The audience, many of them uncomfortably in the position of the older son, needs to address that question. (If you want to take a closer look at that example, Tim Keller’s Prodigal God gives a fresh exploration of it.) Looking at the priest, the levite, and the Samaritan, which of these was the man’s neighbor? A Jesus parable is like the opposite of an Aesop’s fable: where Aesop closes with a moral, Jesus closes with a question or a riddle. It’s his method. His stories invite his listeners to deconstruct their previous understanding of how the world works, how God works, and how they could work.

The other thing that we see Jesus do when he teaches is continually deconstruct established interpretations by pointing out the remainder. The Pharisees in the gospels put a great deal of stock in working out, in exactitude and in fine detail, what is meant in the levitical law. They, like today’s American readers, really like to have definite answers, and to have definite answers that don’t shift when you have your back turned. Jesus really, really pisses them off, because he upsets that stability, charging into their interpretations and overturning them as abruptly as a man flipping over tables and whipping moneychangers out of the temple.

Here’s an example. The priests and the scribes notice that Jesus’s disciples are gathering wheat to eat on the Sabbath. The Sabbath is serious business in the Old Testament. So they challenge Jesus on this: You claim to be a religious teacher, so why are your disciples gathering up wheat as they walk through this field?

Jesus responds not with a direct answer but by deconstructing their interpretation of the laws about the Sabbath. You’ve left something out, he says. Don’t you remember the moment in the Old Testament when David took holy bread from the tabernacle on the Sabbath? What can we learn from that moment? “Man is not made for the Sabbath; the Sabbath is made for man,” he tells the religious thinkers of the day. That is the remainder, a really big idea that they left out while they were focused on other details.

That’s what deconstruction does: it challenges you with the possibility that in focusing on some things, you might actually be leaving out big things. In Christianity, we believe that the scripture is God-inspired. But Scripture is written down and translated by fallible people in flawed and imperfect language (if you have ever tried to express your love or express extreme grief in words, you know how extremely limited a technology language actually is, though I am extremely thankful that we have it), and the interpretation of Scripture is likewise developed by mortal, fallible, fallen human beings.

It always leaves something out.

Jesus, in the gospels, kept pointing out that remainder, again and again. He also pointed out that when you arrogantly assume that your interpretation is final and that there is no remainder, that has real-world and dangerous ramifications. You make big mistakes. You start to leave people out. You judge when it is God’s role alone to judge, and sometimes you judge unjustly. The letter kills, and the spirit gives life, Paul tells us. Following the spirit of the text is about humility, about approaching scripture not with the intent of arriving at a definitive and final answer, but with the intent of encountering the heart of God and having your assumptions, whether prideful ones or lazy ones, shaken up — because God sees so much more than we do.

Let’s Do Some Deconstruction, Right Now, and See if it’s Useful

Maybe this all sounds a bit abstract and academic. In fact, that’s another reason we tend to ignore deconstruction or regard it as suspect — it looks to us, sometimes, like a bit of an academic game.

Christians have often, throughout history, been accused of that same abstraction. (Remember the angels dancing on the head of a pin?) Philosophers have, too. And as American readers, we regard abstract ideas with especial suspicion. We like things that can be boiled down in simple and concrete terms.

But it is fundamental to Christianity that abstract ideas and beliefs have profound impact on real lives and real actions and motivations. This is not a stance that’s foreign to us; it’s central.

Let’s do a quick experiment to see deconstruction in action; then we’ll be better able to judge if it has something to offer in religious reading.

Let’s read Genesis 1 and start with a humble stance that when we’ve read it previously, we left something out. Let’s take that as a given — just for this experiment. And so let’s approach the text looking attentively for what we left out before. In doing so, we may not arrive at a definitive and final interpretation, but we may gain deeper insights into the heart of God. It might waken our hearts and minds. It is worth doing.

When I read Genesis 1, I notice 3 things that usually get left out. There are more, and there are also things I am leaving out. My reading is fallible. The language that I’m reading is fallible. The language in which I’m sharing these observations is fallible and unfixed, and much will be lost in translation when each of you reads this. There are things I haven’t noticed at all. But those 3 things I did notice are pretty huge things, and they challenge me to pray and ponder.

Here are 3 things that some contemporary, American Christians have left out when they read that text:

1. Bara

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.”

An interpretation of this was offered in the fourth century, and we have rarely bothered to look deeper since; we just read the way people in the fourth century did. They suggested the idea of creatione ex nihilo — creation of the universe from nothing. This was because the Greek and Latin words for creation are words for making and because the idea of ex nihilo was very attractive to Roman thinkers, who liked to focus on power and authority as divine attributes, even at the risk of forgetting about other attributes.

Let’s assume something was left out. What?

The next verse got left out. “The earth was without form and waste.” The Hebrew word that I just substituted “waste” for connotes a dry and empty desert; in Latin and English translations, the word’s meaning shifts around like stones sliding down a slope. For example, we often see this translated “void.” But while the Hebrew word suggests emptiness and dryness, it’s empty like a desert, not empty like blank space.

That isn’t nothing. A desert isn’t nothing. It is just, in this verse, a dry waste without life and without form.

That intrigued me. I looked into some research that’s been published on this passage (there has been some vigorous conversation about it in recent years), and I also studied the etymology of bara, the Hebrew word here that we translate create. In other words, the people whose work I was reading had noticed something that got left out and I launched an investigation into it (albeit a small one).

Bara doesn’t mean making something out of nothing. It suggests taking an object that is without use or purpose and creating out of it a new object that has purpose, use, and beauty. For example, when you take a reed and carve holes in it and turn it into a flute, you are doing the kind of creation that is bara. When you take a rock and make a statue, that is bara. When you take twelve people of diverse classes, traditions, and motivations, and weld them into a team of apostles, that is bara. When you take dust and form it into a human being and breathe life into it, that is bara. When you take cells that are not a fetus and develop them embryonically into a fetus in the womb, that is bara. Bara is taking raw materials and making out of them something of purpose and beauty.

This isn’t even a new interpretation, just one that’s been largely forgotten and is now less popular. John Milton, when he wrote Paradise Lost, described God making the universe out of “his dark materials.” (That phrase His Dark Materials became the title of Philip Pullman’s recent fantasy series that has prompted such controversy.) Milton was reading his Old Testament in Hebrew; in fact, some accounts suggest that he had the Old Testament memorized in Hebrew, which staggers my mind if it is true; I haven’t checked. Regardless, he was more familiar with the possible nuances of the word bara than most.

Physicists will inform you that we are all made out of stardust. The atoms in us and in everything we see are the same atoms that burned at the heart of the first stars in the universe. Once reduced to “dust” (or, rather, component atoms), these no longer had any purpose or beauty or use. But we, and the other things we see, that have been remade from those atoms, from those “dark materials,” do or can have purpose and beauty and use.

Take a moment and just ponder the ramifications. Creatione ex nihilo (creation out of nothing) and bara (taking raw materials and shaping them into something purposeful and beautiful) are very different concepts. One of these is about emphasizing God’s power. The other emphasizes purpose. One emphasizes what God can do, while the other is briefly suggestive of how and why God does things. If you are a religious reader, this has some big implications.

2. Called

The other thing that sometimes happens in America when we read Genesis 1 is that we get completely focused on the first verse, as if that is the only verse in the chapter that matters. The question of creation takes up our whole mind; we’re anxious about it. So we get lost focusing all our attention on one thing, and we miss other things that may be just as or more important.

For example, as John Caputo notes in his book The Weakness of God, “created” isn’t the only verb that gets repeated several times in Genesis 1. “Called” and “said” get repeated, too. God calls the world into being — an idea that later gets repeated often in the Psalms.

In fact, look at what does get spoken first in Genesis 1: “Let there be light.”

That isn’t a command. That isn’t the imperative voice. That isn’t the same as, “Light, be!” That’s “Let there be light.” Subjunctive voice. It’s a call, a suggestion, a strong request.

What if, in bara creation, God took the raw materials of the universe and called them to be something of purpose and beauty? What if God is like Isaiah and John the Baptist’s “voice crying out in the wilderness,” calling us to change the world? What if God is, sometimes, a still, small voice that approaches us not with a command but with a call? Elijah hears the still, small voice say not “Elijah, get your butt back into action,” but calling him, “Elijah, what are you doing here?” God walks through the garden in the evening calling for Adam. Jesus calls the disciples. Today, we talk about having “a calling.” God calls Samuel into his presence in the middle of the night. And so on. The Bible is full of calling. In fact, the whole idea in the New Testament of the reformation of the heart is that God takes a heart that has become a wasteland and calls it to purpose, justice, love, and faith. “Grace” isn’t just that God forgives; it’s that he remakes, in a bara sense. He calls us and begins to make us into something new and beautiful.

Just as a Christian might imagine God taking stardust and forming it over time into planets and trees and people, we might think of God taking fallen hearts and calling them to be something new. That is continuing the work of creation and calling that we see in Genesis 1. “Let there be light.” “Let there be waters above the waters.” “Let there be living things.” And so on. That’s God standing at the edge of a formless waste and calling forth life. That’s Jesus standing on the waters calling Peter out of the boat. That’s Christ calling to a desolate heart.

It’s not a command. We can always ignore it. It’s a call. John Caputo would call it a persistent and insistent call, one that can be refused but one that sometimes gets inside us and gets more and more difficult to ignore.

And that idea of “calling” — that big idea that may be core to God’s work of creation described throughout Scriptures, that may even be very core to the Christian faith — gets left out of most of our readings of Genesis 1. Often, when we’re done reading about creation and we finish constructing our understanding of what we’ve just read, that idea of “calling” is one remainder, left over and forgotten.

3. Tzelem Elohim

Here’s another. This is one that the Jewish tradition has not left out; in rabbinical reading, this one is central. But Christian readers often glide past it without really focusing attention and really taking it in. And this one has huge, everyday, real-world implications. We can’t afford to just leave it out and let it be a remainder.

In Genesis 1 we find that we are created tzelem elohim, “in the likeness of God.” In fact, we find that all people, “male and female,” are made in the likeness of God. Paul later comments on this when he tells the Galatians that there is no male or female, no slave or master, no Jew or Greek, no hierarchy or system of classifications in God’s eyes; we are all loved, we are all made in God’s likeness.

That’s a really Big Idea. In fact, if you think about the time in which Genesis was written down, the idea we usually focus on — that God was creating the world — wasn’t a big idea. Almost everyone living in the Near East at that time took it for granted that a deity or deities had created the universe. What would have been a bigger issue is how the world was created (bara) and why (calling) and what kind of world got created. When we get so focused on whether or not God created the world, our attention gets so narrowed that we miss many of the big things that the story may have been addressing.

The ancient Hebrews didn’t miss it. They wrestled with tzelem elohim. In fact, they had an incredibly hard time with it. They lived in a world that was prior to Greek thought and prior to Christian ethics and prior to Talmudic teaching and prior to the Pax Romana and prior to democratic representation and universal suffrage and prior to modern views of slavery. They lived in a world of near-constant warfare, raiding, and violence, a world in which tribes and nations constantly had to protect themselves or attempted to conquer others and harvest their resources (which, for the ancients, meant land, herds, labor, and women). It was also a world with very little restraint; our world still has little restraint, but theirs had less. There was no United Nations. There was no Geneva Convention. There was nothing to prevent one tribe from kidnapping and raping and marrying the women from another tribe — nothing except for either a rival show of force … or a powerful and widely accepted idea.

Let me tell you a story.

Prior to the High Middle Ages, before the Crusades, in the handful of centuries after Rome’s fall that we often poetically refer to as “the Dark Ages,” Europe was a political mess. Roaming tribes, mercenary troops, and local warlords all churned against each other in decentralized and violent conflict over land and other resources. The Catholic Church was an institution that, at the time, did not have the wealth or the political power that it later did; but it did wield significant influence nonetheless, because people gave credence to the Church’s claims of moral authority and representation of God’s will on earth. There were several Popes who attempted, in this climate, to take Jesus’s words about peace and apply them to the real world. They looked at their increasingly violent and chaotic continent, and tried to suggest restraints. Flawed ones, the best they could think of at the time. For example, there was the Pax Dei or “Peace of God,” where a Pope declared immunity for unarmed noncombatants like peasants and clergy. Essentially, the Pax Dei suggested, “Ok, you’re going to fight and kill and slaughter each other, but God says that unarmed villagers and clergy are immune; you cannot kill them in the course of combat.”

This did not always work very well.

That is probably no surprise.

But when at first you don’t succeed, you try, try again. So the Church later came up with the Treuga Dei, or “Truce of God.” This declared that there must be a ceasefire on all holy days. (And, not entirely by coincidence, the Church around this time established a lot of holy days and saint’s days.) This worked a little — but not always. Still, it had an impact, limited as it was. It echoes down the years through European tradition even into the twentieth century; there are cases in which temporary ceasefires have been declared over the Christmas holiday, as in the case of the Brits and the Germans in World War I. But obviously, this does not always happen.

Why did I tell this story? Because it provides a parallel to a project that the ancient Hebrew, levitical priesthood may have attempted around three thousand years ago.

Leviticus and Deuteronomy are immensely well-read books in Jewish traditions of reading, and Jews read these books very differently than anyone else does (and, in many cases, more intelligently, but that’s a topic for this other post to cover). Christians and secular Americans tend to ignore these books to the extent possible. Christians either choose not to read them (much) because they’re “dry” and because the topics addressed in the levitical code are so unsavory (rape of female war captives, for instance), or they may put strong emphasis only on selected passages (like the sentence about gay sex, for example). Secular readers tend to either withdraw from these texts in horror or seize on them as evidence of the latent evil in religion. (“See what your Bible says to do! It says to rape and commit genocide!” That is a comment I have heard quite often.)

Neither of these are very useful or informed approaches. They rely on a glib reading of levitical code as absolute, timeless instruction for religious readers, and by reading in that narrow way, they miss so much that’s important.

Suppose that you were part of a levitical priesthood three thousand years ago, living in the world we just described: roaming tribes coming into frequent conflict, cities being burned and rebuilt and burned again, ubiquitous slavery (which, for the ancients, was their alternative to genocide; they hadn’t yet come up with a third or fourth option for dealing with conquered peoples, to every historian’s sorrow; and one has only to look back at what was done to the Native Americans to realize that some of the third and fourth options we did come up with eventually were also atrocities), and the widespread capture and enslavement of foreign women. It was not, by modern standards, a very kind or just world. It was a mess. (I say “modern standards” to describe what we today expect, not what we have; we can probably each cite a number of occasions on which the “modern” world has proven as bad or worse.)

Now suppose that your priestly community is undertaking the long project of establishing and improving a legal code that you want twelve diverse tribes to adhere to and obey. There are appointed judges, there are now some rudimentary systems for trials and gathering witnesses, and you’ve taken a set of 10 proclamations (that you preserve on stone tablets, to last for all time, because stone is pretty durable) and a set of ethical propositions that are ascribed to divine origin, and you work out a system of over 600 laws. That’s pretty complex for that time. And those laws order and organize many facets of life, from agriculture (how long to leave a field fallow, for instance) to violent disputes (we’ll establish places of refuge where a fugitive and can flee for safety and demand a trial, and if their angry pursuer enters those places and kills the fugitive, that is an offense before God and an abomination) and combat (what restraints will we put around the treatment of war captives?).

Actually, why put any restraints at all?

Well, because the statements your God is recorded as having made (all human beings, male and female, are made in God’s likeness; the sabbath must be kept holy; blood spilled unjustly defiles the land, and the land must be kept holy; keep yourselves a people set apart, a just people; shelter the stranger in the land) are pretty radical, and you are tasked with somehow translating these religious and ethical precepts into actual laws and courses of action for your tribe.

If all people, male and female, are made in the likeness of God, what are the implications?

It means if I look in the eyes of another, I am looking into the eyes of another person who bears the image of God. That is a holy thing.

What does that mean for our tribe, which regularly takes women captive after a conflict? What if those women, too, are made in the likeness of God and have irreduceable and intrinsic value as God-created human beings?

If the spirit of your law is that we are all made in the image of God, the letter will be a flawed, real-world attempt to wrestle that into practice at a specific time, under specific conditions. The regulations we record in the Old Testament can be interpreted and read as just such a flawed attempt to put that spirit into practice in a world very different from our own. Deuteronomy 21 doesn’t say, unfortunately, “Don’t take women captive,” perhaps because no one thought of it or perhaps because taking women captive was too desirable in that culture, or perhaps because no one would actually have obeyed such a prohibition and there would have been no power to enforce it. Just like with the Pax Dei, the man holding the spear could simply laugh at your law and do as he pleased.

But maybe you can apply some restraints and give those restraints religious significance — warn the man that he must “fear God” and observe God’s ways. If that woman who is now a captive, who has witnessed and will suffer atrocities, is truly made in the likeness of God, then she cannot be treated trivially, the way one might, for example, treat a jewelled necklace that one has seized from the burning city, using it immediately or selling it to someone else for a high price. A woman and a jewelled necklace are not the same. There are no feminists in the ancient levitical priesthood — just men wrestling with the concept that a woman is made in the image of God. If that’s true, they propose, then you cannot simply seize her and then rape her. You must recognize, on some level, her humanity. You must grant her one month to mourn for her parents whom you have killed. You may not “go in to her” at that time. You may not force her to wear cosmetics or pretty clothes or show her off as a trophy to the other men, either. You must permit her the mourning customs of the time — shaving the head, wearing clothes of lament. Providing that month to a war captive becomes a law. It also might give the man who has seized her time to consider her slowly, to notice her weeping, time for her to speak to him and appeal to his empathy, time for the initial feeling of triumph and lust to dull and some empathy to develop. Or it might not; that could well be a too-comfortable illusion, something I would prefer to think because the idea of inflicting such suffering on others without empathy disturbs me deeply. As a father of two daughters, that kind of situation is barely comprehensible to me, and I am ill-equipped to understand it. So I must guard against wishful thinking. The likely fact is, that woman is eventually going to be raped and abused. It remains an atrocity.

But the levites make the attempt at restraint, just as the Catholics do with their Pax Dei. There must be some restraint. You must allow the captive her time of mourning. You must recognize her human need to grieve. And when you have, in the end, done as you will, if you then tire of her, the levites say, you mustn’t do any of the things that a tribal warrior three thousand years ago is most likely to do. You may not sell her to another or “treat her as a slave” — she is still a woman made in the image of God. “Let her go where she pleases,” the priests say. The levitical code tries to put in place some protections for these women, because they, too, bear God’s image. A war captive in 1100 BC is not the same as a seized ewe or cow. She has the right to grieve. She cannot be sold or kept as a menial work slave. Horrifyingly, many terrible things can be done to her, but not those things.

As with the Pax Dei and the Treuga Dei, I am a bit skeptical that the levitical regulations and restraints actually worked all that often.

This has been a long tangent, though I hope it has been interesting. The point is that the Hebrews who began writing what eventually became recorded as the Old Testament wrestled with tzelem elohim and with other statements that the priests said God had made. These ideas did not jive well with the circumstances of their world, in which top tribal priorities were often keeping the tribe pure from outsiders and gathering more resources.

Today, we typically choose to just ignore passages like the one we just examined (or we take them as literal instruction for us, and then we are justly offended or horrified). But there’s a way of reading (one that Conservative and Reformed Jews do, and that Christians arguably should do) where you look for the spirit of the text, and learn from watching the ancestors wrestle with how to put that spirit into action. As Paul is careful to note, the deeply flawed levitical code is not law for us; it is an ancient example that these issues need to be wrestled with. It is useful and instructive in that sense because those of us who are religious need to wrestle with tzelem elohim today, too, even as the levitical priests once did, and under cultural and political pressures that are different but no less difficult. Will we look into the eyes of children caged on the US/Mexico border and say, “These children are made in the likeness of God, human beings even as our own children are, and we must find a way to treat them accordingly.” Reacting to the Ferguson riots, a young woman told her mother (in the hearing of an author friend of mine at an airport in Florida), “Mamma, they’re animals. They’re just animals.” Well, no, they’re not. Whatever cultural drives or prejudices prompted her conclusion, it is incompatible with tzelem elohim. “They” are not “animals” in the sense that the young woman probably meant the word; they are human beings made in the image of the divine.

How does tzelem elohim affect the way we look at the violence in Ferguson, or in the Near East? These are uneasy questions that we are called to address — because right at the very start of the Bible, this is one of God’s first pronouncements, and one that the rest of the Bible continues to wrestle uneasily with. If we are religious readers, when we turn to Genesis 1, we can’t overlook it. We can’t leave it as a remainder.

Approaching the Word like Little Children

To recap: Deconstruction is the practice of taking apart our current understanding of what we’re reading, looking closely at the parts, and identifying what we’ve left out. A deconstructive reading opens our eyes to potentially important things we’ve missed. That’s why it’s not a mere academic exercise, and that’s why it can be really important (and useful) to Christians, who probably should be starting anyway from the base assumption that our current understanding is limited, that it’s prideful to “lean” unquestioningly on our own understanding, and that our language and our interpretations are necessarily flawed, fallen, and incomplete. When we are willing to deconstruct what we think we know and look for the remainder that our previous interpretation left behind, we find things like bara creation. We learn more deeply that God, from the beginning, has been calling the universe into life, purpose, and goodness, and expecting the universe (and us) to respond. And we are reminded that tzelem elohim stands at the very beginning of the Word and then resonates and troubles the rest of the Bible. Not only should we not just glide blithely by it; it could be central to how we choose to live out a life of “loving our neighbor.” If our only takeaway from reading Genesis 1 is to reinforce the established interpretation that it is all about the fact that God created the universe (and, to some minds, how long it took him to do so), we are missing so much of what’s there in Genesis 1, and so much that may be incredibly important to our lives, to our actions and values.

The purpose and function of deconstruction isn’t to destroy. It’s to take apart a flawed interpretation (which, because it’s flawed, might miss opportunities or even be dangerous). You might then reconstruct, developing a new interpretation that takes into account and is partly shaped by the remainder you’ve noticed. But, because you are a flawed human being using flawed, fallen language, it would be wise to realize that your new interpretation is also tentative and also deconstructible.

The interpretations I’ve shared above as examples are tentative and deconstructible. I am convinced that I have left things out. And I will look for those things when I read the text again or the next time I discuss it with someone. In fact, just now I’ve spotted something I missed in my thought-experiment with Deuteronomy 21. Those words “let her go where she pleases” are pretty vague. Her city might be burned to the ground; where will she go? Is she going with, or without, provision? Is she being simply abandoned? Is this one of the passages that Jesus responds to in the gospels, deconstructing the Pharisees’ teachings on divorce and arguing that it is a great injustice in the eyes of God to put one’s wife away (remember that Jesus was speaking to a century and a culture that had not yet invented alimony and in which employment for unmarried women barely existed, other than prostitution). Or is this passage unrelated to that? Perhaps some rabbinical scholar has explored the passage and can point me toward a new reading. Or perhaps I can look at the Hebrew words that we translated “let her go,” and there may be clues there. I don’t know what I would find if I looked into it; I don’t even know for certain whether I would find something useful; I would have to try and then see. It is just clear that this is something I have left out of my reading. I probably left other things out, too, and the reading I’ve given necessarily stands on shaky ground.

If we approach the Bible (or any other written text) with a willingness to deconstruct our previous interpretation, that is a humble act and may even be, for the religious among us, a devotional act. It is a way of letting go of our desire to master God and his word, and instead open ourselves to encountering God’s heart and his word anew, each day. It is a way of letting go of either our pride or our desperate need for certainty and saying, “God, I will not lean today on my own understanding. Before you, what I think I know is insignificant. I am going to approach your word and your kingdom like a small child, with questions and new eyes and a willingness to notice things for the first time. God, what do you want me to notice today?”

Stant Litore

———————————————–

Want to read more? Get Lives of Unforgetting: What We Lose When We Read the Bible in Translation, and Way to Read the Bible as a Call to Adventure.

Book Cover - Lives of Unforgetting: What We Lose in Translation When We Read the Bible by Stant Litore

Posted on Leave a comment

“On No Night of This World”: A Quiet War with Depression

Really fighting depression this week. But I wrote a story for times like that, and I will share a piece of it with you.

Polycarp sobbed quietly as he rested on the mute stones, listening to the heavy paws and the wheezing breaths of the thing in the alley. Despair had come to visit him, as it had often done in the years since he came to Rome; each time, it was a little harder to send the beast away. Most often he heard the tread of its paws on nights such as this, after an encounter with the dead.

You are old, the creature whispered. You are old, Polycarp. And there are too many hurts to heal. You are not sufficient for this task.

“My master is sufficient,” Polycarp murmured, too tired even to feel revolted at the grime he felt against his lips as they moved.

But you are here, and he isn’t.

No. Polycarp braced his hands against the stones. I am his hands, his feet. I must stand up.

He swayed a moment, looking out at the tumbled bodies. In a moment of wild imagining, he pictured them placing their hands to the street, even as he was doing, and lifting themselves up. Not as slouching, unsteady dead, but as the living called back. Called back. Any spirit could be called back.

Go away, he told the behemoth. I have no need of you and no time to listen to you, nor to the Adversary who sends you. You are unwanted here, as unnecessary as these bodies, these empty shells that carry no life.

The creature Despair did not fall silent, but Polycarp kept it now at the edge of hearing. He needed to reflect on what had happened in this alley. How severely it had tired him, how vulnerable it had left him. He needed to pray, and think, without the pollution of Despair’s whispered enticements.

That is from What Our Eyes Have Witnessed: https://stantlitore.com/product/what-our-eyes-have-witnessed/

And where a story won’t do, an illustration might. This illustration of a twenty-fifth century Muslim botanist holding in her hands a seed of the first alien vegetation to be discovered by humanity and contemplating the brevity of life…makes me feel strangely at peace, when I am waging my quiet little war with depression. The image is from Ansible: Season One: https://stantlitore.com/product/ansible-season-one/

Illustration

I have said before that my writing isn’t a vocation; it is an act of survival. There is some truth to that.

I wrote this, a while ago, about that quiet war:

I am wrestling with bouts of depression lately, the worst that I’ve endured in many years. The same memories and lies and half-lies and half-truths, again and again, in the ears of my heart: You aren’t able to keep your daughter safe. You aren’t able to provide for all of your family’s financial needs. You are a failure. You are alone. You are unloved. You have no impact or point. You are worthless.

Mostly lies. These past three years have been hard, and I feel the fatigue of it. My wife is ill most of this year; we’ve been in and out of the hospital again for Inara; the financial struggles have been as hard as they’ve been unanticipated; not all my projects have been as successful as I would have liked, and that has taken its toll, too, in the emotional pressure-cooker of these past few years.

Externally, matters are a little better now. But inside, now that the adrenaline reaction is past, I feel shriveled up and not particularly useful to anyone. I find what helps most is regular sleep when I can get it, B complex vitamins, reading psalms, evenings watching scifi shows with my wife (though she may be in pain), the laughter of my children, and a lot of writing. In telling stories, I create my own heroes, flawed as they are, to emulate. Father Polycarp hears the heavy tread of the beast Despair on the grimy stones in the alley at his back, hears the winter-cold whisper of its voice, and yet gets to his feet again, each time. Rahel never gives up; she is relentless in protecting and providing for her disabled child. Zadok is willing to chance a run through a field of hundreds of hungry dead because the woman he loves needs that from him. Yirmiyahu, though everything—everything—is ripped from him, keeps his eyes on his mission.

The worst of it is the sharp edge of self-criticism at feeling depression. Depression, after all, might be expected after the tremendous upheavals I and my family have gone through, these past few years. But though it might be expected, it is not rational. The lies my subconscious whispers to me are not rational. So I am harsh with myself: You are depressed, so you are even more worthless.

That digs me in deeper.

Sad as I am at Robin Williams’ passing (may he find peace), it is a strange comfort to know that he wrestled with the dark hours of the night, too. If a man who made as many people laugh as he did, or who touched as many hearts, can wrestle with depression (and to the deep, deep extent that he clearly did), then maybe feeling depressed is not so damning, after all. If my own St. Polycarp in What Our Eyes Have Witnessed wrestled so deeply with depression and yet worked tirelessly to feed the living and redeem the restless dead, then perhaps it is possible to feel worthless sometimes AND YET lovingly provide for your family and yet do great things. Or at least good things.

One thing I know, at least. Whether or not that whisper in the dark hours is lying or truthful when it names me failure, I am all that my daughters have. So I will have to be enough. (And in the language of faith, I would add: Here God has bid me stand, and he evidently loves me and feels that I am enough.)

Writing helps. Even writing this post has helped.

To stay on my feet, I will write, as I always do. Feeling gray, I will go make some beauty. Feeling gray and faded, I will go make some colors.

From No Lasting Burial: “In a cruel world, a boy or a man must find beauty where he can, or hunt after it until he does. Or else the hard edges of life will gut him as a man guts a fish, and toss him wriggling to die in the sand.”

Stant Litore

Things are actually fairly good this season, objectively speaking, though I do bear the weariness of a long, long battle for my daughter’s health. Depression comes without reason and sometimes without obvious cause, and it is an unwelcome guest. When it visits, I throw open the windows and gaze out at unspeakable beauty and let in the howling winter wind and then write fiercely with cold, cramped hands, keeping myself warm with stories while old Despair gets too chilled and disgruntled and finally plods back out of the house the way it came in. Then I shut the windows up, wrap myself in a blanket, and stoke the coals in the fire to fresh flame. Shivering, I warm my hands.

Or I turn up some music and listen to the laughter of my children.

Despair is a shriveled little thing, a deceitful whisper. Its tread sounds heavy, but if you could truly turn and look at it, the old beast would appear as little more than a half-drowned, waterlogged rat, and no terrible behemoth after all.

But since I cannot see it so clearly, I tell stories. Despair’s whisper may be compelling, but not nearly as compelling as Polycarp’s strong compassion, or Yeshua’s insistence that God weeps with us in the desert for every empty belly and every broken heart, or Yeptha’s daughter throwing her arms wide beneath the stars when she reaches the roof of the world, or Rahel’s dauntless loyalty to her sons, or Koach’s ferocious desire to make beautiful things.

On no night of this world will Despair’s whisper ever be more compelling than those things.

Stant Litore

Stant Litore is a novelist. He writes about gladiators on tyrannosaurback, Old Testament prophets battling the hungry dead, geneticists growing biological starships, time-traveling hijabi bisexual defenders of humanity from the future. Explore his fiction here. And here is one of his toolkits for writers, and here’s another book where he nerds out about ancient languages and biblical (mis)translation. Enjoy!

Posted on Leave a comment

A Green Olive Tree

Olive Trees in Athens

“But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God.”

That is a piece of a very, very old song, one of the oldest.

And it is a thanksgiving thought that I will hold near tonight. Because despite all the difficult and fearful moments in the last few years, I do indeed feel that I am like a green olive tree in the house of God.

In a spirit of gratitude, I wish you all a happy Thanksgiving. Here’s to good harvests and good company.

Stant Litore

Posted on 4 Comments

Update on Inara’s Story; also Why, Late at Night, When Everyone is Asleep, I Write So Fiercely

Here’s the most recent news about my youngest daughter: We now have a tentative diagnosis of MMPSI (http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition/malignant-migrating-partial-seizures-of-infancy) and are awaiting genetic tests to confirm. Basically, MMPSI is a random genetic mutation that causes seizures that migrate across the brain, occurring in sequential clusters of dozens of seizures, and cause brain scarring and developmental delay – exactly the story of Inara’s first six months with us. In most cases, the seizures prove impossible to control, babies don’t respond to treatment, and most don’t survive their first 16 months.

Inara survived.

The good news is that because after her first six months Inara did begin respond to treatment, she has been gradually stabilizing and also correcting her developmental delay and learning new skills, a little at a time. If her diagnosis of MMPSI is confirmed by genetic testing, then we’ll finally have more of a story of why her first six months were so touch-and-go, and, more importantly, we’ll have the comfort of knowing that because she made it through her first 16 months, the condition is likely to continue lessening with time.

Inara’s survival is rare, and my wife and I feel very blessed. (And also thankful for the support and encouragement of my readers, of our church, and of my coworkers and colleagues who visited us during our frequent hospital stays, brought meals, and donated personal time-off so that I could stay at my daughter’s side when things were touch-and-go.) I don’t have the words to say how stressful and, at times, terrifying Inara’s condition has been. In 2012, we truly didn’t know if Inara would make it; we just believed in her, stayed by her bedside, fought for her, loved her, and tried to “keep it together.” This is also why, late at night when everyone is in bed, I write my fiction so fiercely and fast; it is a way of speaking my pain and my love to the world; it is a way of staring at the possibility of loss without flinching, a way of keeping it together:

I sat in that hospital by her bedside, in the cold of winter. It was warm enough in that carefully sterile place, but I felt cold. I felt angry. I felt exhausted, and determined. The wind that rattled the windows one night seemed to hurl against the hospital glass all the moaning horror and shrieking of the shedim.

Now my daughter is improving, and we are on the other side of that time together. Yet those nights by her bed are recent in my heart, and they hurt. I don’t know what this past year has meant, only that the love I now hold for those I call my own is fiercer than anything I have ever felt. I have learned that hope, which I had thought small and delicate like a moth in the night, can be hard as steel, a blade with which you cut your way through a press of moaning and hungry foes.

– from the afterword to No Lasting Burial

A friend of Inara’s, a beautiful little child who attended the Anchor Center for Blind Children with her and is about a year younger than Inara, passed away this summer from a condition with similar symptoms; Dahlia Blue’s seizures remained uncontrollable and eventually killed her. It was a very hard thing for my family to see—a picture of what might easily have happened with our own daughter—and it was hard seeing the grieving of Dahlia’s family.

The news today is that Inara continues to have microseizures but her condition remains controlled, that we are awaiting genetic tests and a second EMU (several-day-long Epilepsy Monitoring Unit at the hospital) to monitor her brain activity, and that Inara is learning to pull herself up to stand and even take her first assisted steps, she is starting to vocalize, and she has a fierce joy of life and a fierce desire to move about and do the things big sister can do, too. And she inspires us. Jessica and I live our days in mingled anxiety, fatigue, and joy. So far, the outlook appears to be a positive one.

Inara_Anchor_2
Inara, exhausted after physical therapy.

There will still be challenges ahead, and not only medical ones. We wheeled Inara about in a little wheelchair on Halloween evening and were dismayed by how many people shrank away from or pointedly ignored the ‘handicapped kid,’ though our hearts rose at the way one young man bounded down his porch steps and crouched next to Inara to chat with her, and at the way her older sister River kept bringing candy to her. Jessica parks handicapped and several times each week is berated or cussed out by some belligerent stranger who, seeing my wife step from the car looking apparently healthy and able, lets her have it without realizing there is also a child with a wheelchair in the car. These are small matters, but they make me wince when I worry how Inara will be treated by others as she grows. Yet our main story is that Inara is alive and, for now, thriving and happy. She is feisty and strong-willed. Her middle name, Cahira, is Irish for “warrior.”

November is Epilepsy Awareness Month, and once a year my wife hand-crafts purple ribbons for friends to wear and makes a video sharing Inara’s story: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51u77VL_dfc. Each November is a celebration that Inara fought and won another year. November 15 will be her third birthday.

This post is meant to catch everyone up on the story – especially as many of you, coworkers and readers and patrons alike, were there with us back at the beginning, or have been there to offer encouragement and support since. Thank you.

My wife and I are beginning to hope that Inara is now “out of the woods.” It is too early to be sure, and we are vigilant, especially with Inara’s current microseizures. But this is certainly our most hopeful season in a long time, and this year we are approaching the holidays with a much more celebratory spirit.

Stant Litore

P.S. You can read the earlier chapters of Inara’s story here, and if you would like to support my fiction and our care for Inara, you can do that here.

Posted on 3 Comments

My Daughter’s Story: Something to Watch, Something to Remember

Once a year, in November (epilepsy awareness month), my wife Jessica makes a video celebrating another year of little Inara’s fight, and spends a few evenings making purple ribbons for people to wear, and many more evenings talking about epilepsy research and awareness. Epilepsy is one of the least understood health conditions. In far more than half the cases, there is no underlying diagnosis, no known cause for the condition.

Jessica and I are still working with geneticists to confirm a recent guess, but as yet Inara does not have a definitive diagnosis either. Just a long list of symptoms.

An estimated 3 million Americans live with epilepsy. Inara is one of them.

But she is very fierce, her birthday is in a few days, and we have much to celebrate this year. We were told that Inara would never stand. She is standing. We were told she would never walk. She is taking her first assisted steps. We were told she would probably never talk. Well, she is not talking yet, but she is building an impressive vocabularly of nonverbal sounds and signs, and we believe in her.

This is my wife’s tribute to our daughter and this year’s epilepsy awareness video. I’ll be wearing a lot of purple this month. Purple isn’t only the color signifying epilepsy awareness. In many cultures, it is the color of healing and life, the vibrant color. It is Inara’s color.

Stant Litore

You can read more of the story of Inara in Lives of Unstoppable Hope.

Stant Litore is a novelist. He writes about gladiators on tyrannosaurback, Old Testament prophets battling the hungry dead, geneticists growing biological starships, time-traveling hijabi bisexual defenders of humanity from the future. Explore his fiction here. And here is one of his toolkits for writers, and here’s another book where he nerds out about ancient languages and biblical (mis)translation. Enjoy!

Posted on Leave a comment

All the Voices of Water

She sang in all the voices of water, calling for water, calling to water, calling all water’s names. She sounded like rain in the wheat. She sounded like the roar of water over the brink of the earth. She sounded like a stone dropped into a smooth, still pool. All those names she called. None answered.

– from Dante’s Heart: https://stantlitore.com/product/dantes-heart/
Art by Roberto Calas.

Illustration5_1000

Posted on 1 Comment

Update about Inara

Met with the epileptologist.

It turns out my daughter is having little seizures again — mostly just partial complex (staring spells), and uncontrolled fits of giggling. The giggle fits are adorable, but the epileptologist notes that what’s actually happening there is a rare kind of seizure. Inara will burst into hysterical giggles for a minute, then suck in a deep breath and become aware of her surroundings again. The good news is that her current seizure activity is relatively non-dangerous, compared to everything she has endured in the past (the grand mal, the tonic clonic seizures, etc.). Sometime soon, she is going to have another EMU with wires attached to her head for a few days to monitor. The other good news is that having witnessed both types of seizure activity during the appointment, the epileptologist has a theory about what rare genetic disorder Inara has. She is adding a specific genetic test in addition to her whole exome testing to check for it. If the epileptologist’s guess is correct, then the disorder is one that (a) improves with time and (b) is due to a random genetic mutation and is not a hereditary condition. That means that if Jessica and I have a third child some day, nor when our daughters have children, the condition will not be passed on. (This also probably explains why the condition is so rare and proving so difficult to identify and diagnose.) We will see if the epileptologist’s guess is right.

So there has been a lot of news to take in. It is alarming that we are seeing seizure activity again, but there is more good news on the table than bad, for now.

Now it is time to wait, and wait, and wait for genetic test results.

Which means it is time to go write.

Stant Litore

You can read more of the story of Inara in Lives of Unstoppable Hope.

Stant Litore is a novelist. He writes about gladiators on tyrannosaurback, Old Testament prophets battling the hungry dead, geneticists growing biological starships, time-traveling hijabi bisexual defenders of humanity from the future. Explore his fiction here. And here is one of his toolkits for writers, and here’s another book where he nerds out about ancient languages and biblical (mis)translation. Enjoy!

Posted on 1 Comment

We Need Larger Hearts: Part II

SadGirl

I repost this article, “Distorted Love: The Toll of Our Christian Theology on the LGBT Community,” here not to spark debate or even discussion (honestly, I’m way too exhausted to do my part effectively in a debate), but because this pastor’s message moved me deeply, and I really think that all of my religious brothers and sisters, regardless of what they think about LGBT and regardless of their theology, need to read this. Because this reminds us why we’re in our faith in the first place. It reminds us what’s important. And it delivers a very deep and needed conviction to those of us who believe we are called to be the active hands and feet of a living God. It reminds us that one of the most immediate issues of our time is not an “issue,” it’s not about politics, it’s about people. It is about individual, hurting, suffering, loving, beautiful people. The founder and perfecter of our faith taught that we are known by our fruit, by the outcomes of what we believe, feel, say, and do. This is not something we can ever afford to forget!

For clarity’s sake, and for full disclosure (because I know this is politically and emotionally charged for many), I will say that I do not believe that sexual orientation is a sin — nor have I seen any evidence that it is somehow a “choice,” as pundits tend to claim — nor do I think that is an accurate conclusion from what is taught in the New Testament. I think some religious people in our contemporary society do get very hung up about what they think of various sex acts and they forget that what is at stake is relationships. They forget that the theological and ethical position that is at most at issue is whether we truly believe — or not — that all people are made in the image of God. We also tend to forget that when Jesus loved the downtrodden or the disinherited or the outcasts, he didn’t go the Pharisees and the pundits and listen to their moral opinion about those people’s lives. No, he got up, walked to their homes, had dinner with them, spent time with them, loved them, and listened to them.

I have friends who are LGBT. I have dinner with them. I witness their loving, beautiful, committed relationships. I have friends who are straight. I have dinner with them. I witness their loving, beautiful, committed relationships.

But even if I *did* believe, as many religious people do, that so many of my brothers and sisters on this earth are “living in sin,” this article would still convict my heart. In fact, far more so. It would be even more important that I listen to what this man has to say.

This pastor has said things I’ve said before many times, but he has said these things with far greater compassion and wisdom than I can lay claim to. I share his post for reading and for reflection, not for debate — because this is not the kind of post for debating. It is something to let sit in the heart for a while.

If you are one of my religious friends or readers and you disagree with everything I’ve said here, I hope you will not unfollow or unfriend me for posting this, nor stop reading my books, nor stop reading my blog. I hope you will read the article with me. I hope you will sit with me a while as I pray.

Stant Litore

(Earlier post: We Need Larger Hearts, Part I)

Stant Litore is a novelist. He writes about gladiators on tyrannosaurback, Old Testament prophets battling the hungry dead, geneticists growing biological starships, time-traveling hijabi bisexual defenders of humanity from the future. Explore his fiction here. And here is one of his toolkits for writers, and here’s another book where he nerds out about ancient languages and biblical (mis)translation. Enjoy!