What is Colorado?

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Now, I’ve recent heard a few out-of-state folk who have a bit of a stereotype about my adopted state Colorado (I’ve lived here 15 years), who think we’re all either mountain men or potsmoking hippies. Well, just to set the record straight, I’ll tell you what Colorado is: badass. When you fly in to see us, you will be greeted first outside the airport by a demonic horse with glowing red laser eyes so evil that it crushed and murdered its own creator; just think of what it might do to YOU. You will be welcomed to town by people whose idea of after-work relaxation is jogging up the side of a fourteener (we have 52 of these). When we go to live concerts, we have the bands play under the open stars. We think whiteout winter driving conditions just mean that maybe you shift down a bit on your way into work. Our international airport was built on a burial ground and one of the concourses plays indigenous music 24/7 to keep the dead peaceful. We have more microbreweries per capita than any other state in the US (which is why we also made it illegal in our state to ride a horse while under the influence), and we invented the cheeseburger, the license plate on your car, and the Chipotle burrito. We can be downright scary if you mess with us: we have the world’s highest-elevation alligator colony, 500 ghost towns, a haunted mountain hotel, and NORAD; for 60 years, we’ve tracked Santa’s flight from the North Pole and stood ready to shoot him out of the sky if he tries anything funny in our airspace. We have the only city in America with four recipients of the Medal of Honor. We kicked off both the New Age movement and Focus on the Family; we have one town where it is illegal to fire a catapult at a residence or place of business, and another town where it is illegal to lend your neighbor a vacuum cleaner. We don’t know our own minds and we don’t need to, we just like the mountains.

Stant Litore

One thought on “What is Colorado?

  1. This made me laugh, and I needed it today.

    I finally delivered your book to my novella-writing friend; he was delighted. I’m looking forward to hearing what he thinks. 😉

    Like

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